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Morning, JC,
I had just a few minutes this am so I decided to check out Calvin's latest. And I did catch a few errors, so I'm listing them below:
Line I loved: 'but she was also exactly what a train wreck looks like right before the locomotive comes off the rails and crashes though a school house. '
This line: 'she seemed to be trying to will the lighter I had taken back into her hand from on top of the television.' This is awkward. The phrase 'I had taken back' (which obviously is the past now) combined with action that is present is just....confuzzling.
This line: "After all you put me through, breaking me heart, ruining my good cookware, leaving me wondering if you were dead or alive,' I believe you want 'breaking MY heart. An elementary typo, btw...(and lol)
Calvin and Flora getting a Yorkie! Now that's just plain funny!
Then this line: 'Kasey hit her on the back of the head with the hotplate that was buried under a hill of pizza boxes...' It's kind of the same thing as above. Adding the pizza boxes makes the sentence (and the action) clumsy. My brain is visualizing smashing Flora over the head, but then you make me go back and look under the pizza boxes.
I would have put a comma in this next line: '"We're all stocked up on deranged you wingnut,' Like this: 'deranged, you wingnut,' But then, I'm comma illiterate.
By the way, I have it on good authority that Satan would drive a Lamborghini.
Now the next paragraph....the one about heaven--
'Heaven can keep their golden harps and 72 virgins'...My thinking is that it would be more correct to say, 'Heaven can keep IT'S golden harps. Yes? Heaven is a place, not a person, at least in my mind.
'One of the Caddy's tried to follow'...You don't need the apostrophe in caddies.
The phrase '"El Lugar Agradable."... I had to stop and look this up. Your readers should not. (some of us took French in college, ya know!)
This line: ' "She ripped the cardboard TV in half and said she was gonna secure the perimeter. I think she's getting' better at not actin' out." Either delete the apostrophe after 'getting', or delete the final G.
Now Calvin and Kasey are on the bed: 'I was bracing for lecture peppered with swear words and jabs at my ...' Insert an 'a' before 'lecture.'
This line: 'All I had was my pants on and her clothes were a figment of her mind so there was a distinct lack of awkward fumbling. ' Suggest 'all I had on was my pants' instead of 'all I had was my pants on'
This line: 'It didn't last as long as I would have liked, but longer than I would have expected.' I'm not sure what the point is. Looks like a fancy way of saying nothing. What exactly is Calvin unhappy with and why does he seem to be rating their encounter? Could he not just be happy that they had one?
A little further down Gwen says this, "Or was it not sufficiently satisfactory?" Sufficiently satisfactory is redundant. And annoying. LOL.
This line: 'It would have been worth looking him up and trying to get in touch with one of the Gods who was still around to see if him and his had any intention of throwing their hats in the ring if this turned out to be anything.' Run-on. Suggest revising.
This line: 'The more I thought about, the more that plan filled up with holes. " Insert 'it' after 'about'
All in all, a great chapter! And the fact that I've reviewed it should tell you that I've just about finished my own chapter ten and you had better be hustling. Kris and I sometimes compete to see who can finish first. The prize for winning is usually a case of vodka. Pony up the story, or pay up the vodka! Your choice, brother.
I had just a few minutes this am so I decided to check out Calvin's latest. And I did catch a few errors, so I'm listing them below:
Line I loved: 'but she was also exactly what a train wreck looks like right before the locomotive comes off the rails and crashes though a school house. '
This line: 'she seemed to be trying to will the lighter I had taken back into her hand from on top of the television.' This is awkward. The phrase 'I had taken back' (which obviously is the past now) combined with action that is present is just....confuzzling.
This line: "After all you put me through, breaking me heart, ruining my good cookware, leaving me wondering if you were dead or alive,' I believe you want 'breaking MY heart. An elementary typo, btw...(and lol)
Calvin and Flora getting a Yorkie! Now that's just plain funny!
Then this line: 'Kasey hit her on the back of the head with the hotplate that was buried under a hill of pizza boxes...' It's kind of the same thing as above. Adding the pizza boxes makes the sentence (and the action) clumsy. My brain is visualizing smashing Flora over the head, but then you make me go back and look under the pizza boxes.
I would have put a comma in this next line: '"We're all stocked up on deranged you wingnut,' Like this: 'deranged, you wingnut,' But then, I'm comma illiterate.
By the way, I have it on good authority that Satan would drive a Lamborghini.
Now the next paragraph....the one about heaven--
'Heaven can keep their golden harps and 72 virgins'...My thinking is that it would be more correct to say, 'Heaven can keep IT'S golden harps. Yes? Heaven is a place, not a person, at least in my mind.
'One of the Caddy's tried to follow'...You don't need the apostrophe in caddies.
The phrase '"El Lugar Agradable."... I had to stop and look this up. Your readers should not. (some of us took French in college, ya know!)
This line: ' "She ripped the cardboard TV in half and said she was gonna secure the perimeter. I think she's getting' better at not actin' out." Either delete the apostrophe after 'getting', or delete the final G.
Now Calvin and Kasey are on the bed: 'I was bracing for lecture peppered with swear words and jabs at my ...' Insert an 'a' before 'lecture.'
This line: 'All I had was my pants on and her clothes were a figment of her mind so there was a distinct lack of awkward fumbling. ' Suggest 'all I had on was my pants' instead of 'all I had was my pants on'
This line: 'It didn't last as long as I would have liked, but longer than I would have expected.' I'm not sure what the point is. Looks like a fancy way of saying nothing. What exactly is Calvin unhappy with and why does he seem to be rating their encounter? Could he not just be happy that they had one?
A little further down Gwen says this, "Or was it not sufficiently satisfactory?" Sufficiently satisfactory is redundant. And annoying. LOL.
This line: 'It would have been worth looking him up and trying to get in touch with one of the Gods who was still around to see if him and his had any intention of throwing their hats in the ring if this turned out to be anything.' Run-on. Suggest revising.
This line: 'The more I thought about, the more that plan filled up with holes. " Insert 'it' after 'about'
All in all, a great chapter! And the fact that I've reviewed it should tell you that I've just about finished my own chapter ten and you had better be hustling. Kris and I sometimes compete to see who can finish first. The prize for winning is usually a case of vodka. Pony up the story, or pay up the vodka! Your choice, brother.
I'm working on earning two Associate's Degrees - 1 in Network Admin and 1 in Network Security. I've got about a year and a half left.
Of course, by then I should be up to my neck in fat stacks of cash from book sales, but it doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan.
Of course, by then I should be up to my neck in fat stacks of cash from book sales, but it doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan.
Good for you, Jonathan! I am excited for both of us. And I believe in you! 
Also...this school thing? What are you taking?
Also...this school thing? What are you taking?
I was going to list all the things I've been doing (school, arguing on the internet, eating, making playlists) but, fine, you win Peazy. For the record, I HAVE been writing more than in a while, and I have tentatively committed myself to being done with my WIP by late spring/early summer. I think I've finally settled on a name too: Gringo and the Goddess. My wife HATES it, so I think it's a winner.
BTW, as far as I can tell, everything after the Prologue and Chapter 1 are locked down to nonmembers.
BTW, as far as I can tell, everything after the Prologue and Chapter 1 are locked down to nonmembers.
Also...just wanted to mention this in case you forgot:
It's a good idea to leave a few chapters open to the public, but my advice is to lock the latter ones. Make them pay for it if they want to finish it.
It's a good idea to leave a few chapters open to the public, but my advice is to lock the latter ones. Make them pay for it if they want to finish it.
Listen, JC! This week I have done all my regular stuff (laundry, housekeeping, dishes, cooking, taxi-driving, feeding and care of three humans, five cats, three dogs, and two horses), plus cleaned the garage, off-loaded thirty some booths for the new restaurant, closed out the books for the restaurant, put together all the year-end figures for the restaurant's taxes and payroll, redesigned the new dining room to include the booths (we were going to use round tables), hosted poker night for six crazy engineers, handled fifteen different problems for the restaurant, including redesigning the carpentry project when a few hitches arrived, twenty emails back and forth to arrange uploading the audio files for Meany, Twenty more email conversations back and forth with the artist doing the cover for NW, plus wrote two chapters of Nathanial's Window! And that's just the shit I remember! (I also kept up with FB, Pinterest, ten different LInked-In writer's groups, approx. 125 emails every day, Songpop, Mahjong, Coasterville, and Solitaire, plus my own games on my computer!) I'm not even exaggerating. And I'm exhausted.
If I ever get some real time to write you are soooooooooooo going down!
Totally cool that your family loves books so much. Can't wait to hear what they think of WWSD and Asylum. Your coolness factor just went waaaaaaaay up, knowing ppl like Kris, Heather and Anthony!
Relax and take a break??? No freakin' way! Get to work, Mister!
If I ever get some real time to write you are soooooooooooo going down!
Totally cool that your family loves books so much. Can't wait to hear what they think of WWSD and Asylum. Your coolness factor just went waaaaaaaay up, knowing ppl like Kris, Heather and Anthony!
Relax and take a break??? No freakin' way! Get to work, Mister!
Dammit P., slow down! I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself so I'm gonna make Chapter 12 a stop-gap before the plot really gets going in 13. I also talked to a graphic designer today (who happens to be my mechanic - who knew?) and gave him my ideas for a cover. He's as excited as I am and I can't wait to see his rough draft.
In other news, WWSD came in the mail! My 13 yr old, ever the contrarian, tried to steal it from my desk while I wasn't looking. My wife is reading Asylum and she keeps waking me up with "oohs" and "aahs." She's reading that one at home because the residents might take offense to the title if she brought it to work She's already claimed Shield of Night as her next read and said that she'd probably just keep it for herself afterwards.
Along with Meany, which we've all read and loved, that makes four great books from four great people who can just relax and take a break for a while so I can catch up.
In other news, WWSD came in the mail! My 13 yr old, ever the contrarian, tried to steal it from my desk while I wasn't looking. My wife is reading Asylum and she keeps waking me up with "oohs" and "aahs." She's reading that one at home because the residents might take offense to the title if she brought it to work
She's already claimed Shield of Night as her next read and said that she'd probably just keep it for herself afterwards.
Along with Meany, which we've all read and loved, that makes four great books from four great people who can just relax and take a break for a while so I can catch up.
Hi JC!
I'll see your chapter and I'll raise you one! Heh! I'm in the middle of writing chapter ten of NW. I'm going to finish that and then come in here and read your chapter eleven.
My goal? To catch up with you, surpass you, and finish first! Try and stop me!
P
I'll see your chapter and I'll raise you one! Heh! I'm in the middle of writing chapter ten of NW. I'm going to finish that and then come in here and read your chapter eleven.
My goal? To catch up with you, surpass you, and finish first! Try and stop me!
P
Okey-doke, Chapter 11 is up. I have thoroughly proofread it which means it is GUARANTEED typo free*. I'm a bit behind on my chapter a week goal, but I'm coming up with it faster than I can put it down, so that's something.
*Guarantee has no value either real or imagined. Because the writer is blind to his own mistakes, assume that it is riddled with elementary-level typos.
*Guarantee has no value either real or imagined. Because the writer is blind to his own mistakes, assume that it is riddled with elementary-level typos.
We all miss the little things, JC. It's all but impossible to turn out 65,000 clean words. I'm still getting reviews that call me comma illiterate--a thing I'll confess to--but my reaction after twenty bajillion re-reads of Meany, is whaaaa...??? How could it be? And really...commas? It seems to me that there aren't a lot of hard and fast rules for them, but hey--whadoIknow?
Just keep writing, K? You're doing this!
Just keep writing, K? You're doing this!
Thanks for your input, I do seem to miss the dumb little mistakes. They're all fixed now. I write in Word 2007, but it doesn't translate well to HTML so the formatting gets all wonky.
I am almost done with Chapter 11, will post ASAP.
I am almost done with Chapter 11, will post ASAP.
Peazy, reviewing WWAG, ch. ten:
Great opening, JC. And you already know that I love the thing, so I'm jumping right in here:
About a quarter of the way down: "I'm a little out of my depth here. This place in a friend's," S/B 'is' a friend's.
About a quarter of the way down: "Either say it or don't, Jimmy," I said, half hoping he would choose the second option.
"First of all, I'm gonna assume you wanted me to find you. I'd like to think you're smart enough to know that Stinky Dean would come runnin' to me as soon as you evicted him." I did." The formatting on your page was weird here, although it did not copy and paste the same way in this comment box. The problem is that it's difficult to tell that it's two separate paragraphs. You're missing a tab at least and the spacing b/t paragraphs.
Same thing here, just a few lines below. Wondering if this is something to do with how google somehow messes up the formatting when you try to copy and paste in here? " Kasey shook her head. "It's pretty close to what I was calling him in my mind."
"Any. Way? I talked to my sources and I found a few things out for ya." He stopped again."
In the introduction of Flora paragraph: "meant I had to give of cigars for eight miserable months." S/B give 'up' cigars..
General impression: Okay, JC, this is good stuff. Everyone's staying in character and it flows nicely with the rest of the book. I like that you're stepping up the dynamic between Kasey and Calvin and I loved the entrance of the dark-haired woman. Flora, I presume?
Hoping you'll keep up the momentum and we'll see this through!
Well done.
Great opening, JC. And you already know that I love the thing, so I'm jumping right in here:
About a quarter of the way down: "I'm a little out of my depth here. This place in a friend's," S/B 'is' a friend's.
About a quarter of the way down: "Either say it or don't, Jimmy," I said, half hoping he would choose the second option.
"First of all, I'm gonna assume you wanted me to find you. I'd like to think you're smart enough to know that Stinky Dean would come runnin' to me as soon as you evicted him." I did." The formatting on your page was weird here, although it did not copy and paste the same way in this comment box. The problem is that it's difficult to tell that it's two separate paragraphs. You're missing a tab at least and the spacing b/t paragraphs.
Same thing here, just a few lines below. Wondering if this is something to do with how google somehow messes up the formatting when you try to copy and paste in here? " Kasey shook her head. "It's pretty close to what I was calling him in my mind."
"Any. Way? I talked to my sources and I found a few things out for ya." He stopped again."
In the introduction of Flora paragraph: "meant I had to give of cigars for eight miserable months." S/B give 'up' cigars..
General impression: Okay, JC, this is good stuff. Everyone's staying in character and it flows nicely with the rest of the book. I like that you're stepping up the dynamic between Kasey and Calvin and I loved the entrance of the dark-haired woman. Flora, I presume?
Hoping you'll keep up the momentum and we'll see this through!
Well done.
Looking forward to reading that chapter. Hoping that tomorrow is soon enough?? What a day! Sheesh!
Glad to hear that you are back at it Jonathan! Sometimes it can be hard to go back and rewrite...I had to do it about a million times with Immortal Storm, but it is for the best I'm sure! And funny enough, it was Kris constantly posting about how close she was to finishing her second book that inspired me to get to work on mine! it really is you guys that continually inspire! I don't know where I would be if it weren't for all of you! I certainly wouldn't be a published author! In any case - its good to hear that you are back to writing!
Chapter 10 is done (again)!
It was hard to try and push past and keep writing when the original versions of chapters 10-12 were so bad. It was even harder to toss them and start over, but I'm MUCH happier with this one. I can't wait to hear what you hombres think.
For the record, it was Heather's constant Facebook updates about how much she was getting done on her WIP that gave me the kick in the backside that I needed.
Thank jebus for you guys. It would have been too easy to give up other wise.
It was hard to try and push past and keep writing when the original versions of chapters 10-12 were so bad. It was even harder to toss them and start over, but I'm MUCH happier with this one. I can't wait to hear what you hombres think.
For the record, it was Heather's constant Facebook updates about how much she was getting done on her WIP that gave me the kick in the backside that I needed.
Thank jebus for you guys. It would have been too easy to give up other wise.
Good time to share the balls that we're all juggling...
For me it's been family drama, Christmas, New Year's, redoing the new dining room for the restaurant, redoing my sister's condo, bookkeeping for the restaurant, oh...and working on NW.
That, on top of the house, the hubs, the kids, and the animals.
Sigh...
And SQUEEE....!!!!
Life is good. I'll get there. We all will!
And you, JC., had better get going! Kris is working on number three, Heather is nearly done with number two, I'm nearly done with number two, and Anthony is working on number two. Kirsten has bunches already done! Stop shitting around on FB and get writing! LOL.
Good to see someone in here posting again anyways.
Happy New Year to all!
For me it's been family drama, Christmas, New Year's, redoing the new dining room for the restaurant, redoing my sister's condo, bookkeeping for the restaurant, oh...and working on NW.
That, on top of the house, the hubs, the kids, and the animals.
Sigh...
And SQUEEE....!!!!
Life is good. I'll get there. We all will!
And you, JC., had better get going! Kris is working on number three, Heather is nearly done with number two, I'm nearly done with number two, and Anthony is working on number two. Kirsten has bunches already done! Stop shitting around on FB and get writing! LOL.
Good to see someone in here posting again anyways.
Happy New Year to all!
OK, it's been a while, but I think I might finally have something new to post pretty soon. I didn't completely give up on my WIP, but between moving, my kid's exploding knee and other distractions, staying focused has been a losing battle. I probably shouldn't complain about how hard it is to write to a bunch of people who've already published, but I just did. Whaddaya gonna do 'bout it?
I did manage to get about three chapters done since the last bit I posted, but I was never happy enough with any of it to share. I kept thinking, "This is crapola, but I can fix it later." Unfortunately, like the guy trying to make the Republican Party relevant again, sometimes there's just not enough turd polishing in the world to make it work. (ZING)
I ended up scrapping three entire chapters, and I'm much happier with what I have now. Another couple of days and I should have something to share.
Hasta for now.
I did manage to get about three chapters done since the last bit I posted, but I was never happy enough with any of it to share. I kept thinking, "This is crapola, but I can fix it later." Unfortunately, like the guy trying to make the Republican Party relevant again, sometimes there's just not enough turd polishing in the world to make it work. (ZING)
I ended up scrapping three entire chapters, and I'm much happier with what I have now. Another couple of days and I should have something to share.
Hasta for now.
Silly Girl! You needn't defend. Ever. It's a good piece.
Cutting things down is definitely a skill. I just wanted more of the story, and that's a good thing.
Cutting things down is definitely a skill. I just wanted more of the story, and that's a good thing.
Thanks for the review, Peazy! For the purposes of the gift, I tried to write it as much as possible from Nick's perspective, so that would be why it had less telling; when he began reading it, I wanted him to feel already at home in the words, so I mimicked the simple yet formal tone in the things he writes (essays I get to proofread, texts, etc.) so that is my explanation and defense for the first person. I'll be sure to tell him you appreciate HIS tone. 
One problem I do have is expanding. Where some people can write ten pages, I usually cut it down to two or three. And while this can be a skill, it's somewhat limiting, so I know it's something I need to work on. For the purposes of the story, I think I will keep it in the first-person, because that makes it more psychological; most of the story was in "Nick's" head. but I agree I need to flesh out a little more.
Thanks again for the review!
One problem I do have is expanding. Where some people can write ten pages, I usually cut it down to two or three. And while this can be a skill, it's somewhat limiting, so I know it's something I need to work on. For the purposes of the story, I think I will keep it in the first-person, because that makes it more psychological; most of the story was in "Nick's" head. but I agree I need to flesh out a little more.
Thanks again for the review!
@ Steph,
I had forgotten that 'Connections' was in here! And I did finish reading it some time ago but never got back in to comment. I'm here now...
I adore the voice in this piece. You have a beautiful writing style and it gets better as we go along. I feel like I've seen an adjustment...a beginning to feel more comfortable in your own skin, rather than trying to fit into shoes that were too large for you at the time. And it's working nicely for you. Where once your sentences were complex and sometimes confusing in part due to misusing words, this is coherent, and even musical at times. I love the formality of the writing even while using the first person POV. We don't see that a lot these days.
One issue I have with first person POV, and it holds true here, is that it necessarily involves a lot of telling. I think in order to fit this story into a short format, it works well. I would also like to see this story done in a much longer format using third person POV and really fleshing out some action. I think you'd get maximum effectiveness that way.
Very nicely done! You're a fine writer, Kiddo, and knowing that at such an early age is a total win!
I had forgotten that 'Connections' was in here! And I did finish reading it some time ago but never got back in to comment. I'm here now...
I adore the voice in this piece. You have a beautiful writing style and it gets better as we go along. I feel like I've seen an adjustment...a beginning to feel more comfortable in your own skin, rather than trying to fit into shoes that were too large for you at the time. And it's working nicely for you. Where once your sentences were complex and sometimes confusing in part due to misusing words, this is coherent, and even musical at times. I love the formality of the writing even while using the first person POV. We don't see that a lot these days.
One issue I have with first person POV, and it holds true here, is that it necessarily involves a lot of telling. I think in order to fit this story into a short format, it works well. I would also like to see this story done in a much longer format using third person POV and really fleshing out some action. I think you'd get maximum effectiveness that way.
Very nicely done! You're a fine writer, Kiddo, and knowing that at such an early age is a total win!
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