Author's Ink

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Posted by [email protected] on September 24, 2010 at 3:15 PM

Welcome to Author's Ink!  Please use this blog-spot to comment on or critique the works you've found here.  We'd love to hear what you think! 

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1045 Comments

Reply Steph Kenific
2:13 PM on November 20, 2013 
Welcome, Jill! I look forward to working with you!
Hi Everyone! As soon as Jill gets acclimated, we're going to have another contest. And since I won last time, I get to proctor! Bahahaaaaaaa...! Going to find me a couple o' hangin' judges and get the party started! Watch for that.

BTW... most of you need to update your author pages. They're old! And shit happens. So take a minute and go and read them again, and update, k?
Reply Madison Bolen
11:08 PM on November 11, 2013 
Welcome to the site, Jill! Can't wait to read some stuff from you. :)
Morning all! I just wanted to pop in and let you know that we're getting a new member! Her name is Jill and I think she's going to be a great fit here! After spending lots of time chatting with her, I'd say she's not only got the chops but her delicious sense of humor is going to add a great deal to the mix that's already here. She writes dark comedy. Working on her second novel right now. I'd like everybody to welcome her to the group. You're going to love her, I know it!
Just read the new chapters, JC. I really loved them. I did not think ch. 15 was too dark at all. It needed to be a little dark and I think you accomplished that nicely. I also really liked the Irish accent in 16. I could totally hear it in my head as I was reading and it was good stuff. This is flowing nicely. I like the twist of Calvin running off and how you get him back into the fray.

Good stuff. Truly. Now finish this!
Reply J.C. Mogensen
11:35 AM on October 30, 2013 
Chapters 15 and 16 are up. I keep setting deadlines and missing them, but I swear I'll get this done at some point. 15 was excruciating to get through - it got a little dark for a while (personal issues and all that) but I finally got over the hump. I am curious if the dialogue in 16 sounds authentic and any suggestions are GREATLY appreciated.
Reply J.C. Mogensen
3:52 PM on July 16, 2013 
Thanks for the review Anthony. Your suggestion to be more descriptive about what everyone's doing while talking is a good one. It's actually something that I've noticed myself. See, I know what they're up to, but since no one seems to accept an invitation to visit inside my brain, they don't see what I see.

Right now my plan is to get to the end of the story (about 60k word count or so) and then go back and fatten certain parts up (hopefully another 10k words or so) and make everything a little more visual and descriptive.
Reply Anthony Miller
3:17 PM on July 16, 2013 
Been away kind of a long time. Am I still supposed to be offering critiques? Just in case:

Chapter 14
As usual, most of my comments are very specific, but I think there might be a theme, particularly as regards the dialogue: I think it sometimes reads a little bit play-like, i.e., you've given the lines, but not enough (for me anyway) of the action, setting, or non-verbal communication that rounds out a conversation. I tend to do the same thing, and always struggle to go back through after I've written dialog to try to watch the characters in my head as they talk to see what they're doing and how they're reacting as they talk. As you read my comments, please keep in mind that I tend to write too much; to put more words in than are absolutely necessary. I like words.

Now for the detailed comments:

1. "I recall your death..." -- this statement maybe wants for some chin scratching or some other ruminative gesture before diving into the reminiscence.

2. If it were me, I'd draw out the exchange about Marco admitting murdering your protagonist.

So this:
"Of course, I had more pressing matters to attend to so I expedited the situation."
"You killed me?"

Becomes something like:
"Of course, I had more pressing matters to attend to, so..." He shrugged a kind of Gallic shrug, and then turned his attention to his fingernails.
"So, what?"
He stopped and looked up. "So... I expedited the situation." He shrugged again.
"Wait... you killed me?"

3. The sentence "To say that I was shocked..." is a good example of telling, not showing, I think. If it were me, I'd consider starting with a description of his reaction, either physically responding, or describe the spin-y, headache-y feeling he got from meeting his murderer. Or maybe describe how his matter-of-fact reaction differs a bit from how he'd expect to feel, e.g., pissed and vengeful.

4. "The Morrigan..." explanation -- didn't realize who was talking at first.

5. "From out of nowhere..." I'm stupid about language, and try to avoid phrases that I think are common usage. I'm like a language hipster, trying to employ obscure phrases that nobody ever heard of. It's a personality flaw for which I blame my parents and president Reagan. But whatever. This phrase is kinda common. It's too sudden. Feels like you're shortchanging your story a little.

6. "Never let it be said that I can't piss a person off in record time, especially when I put my mind to it. He jumped off his chair and had his scythe out." To me, these two sentences would make more sense if they were reversed.

7. "Two of them were almost within striking distance of me by the time..." I don't think you need "of me."

8. Could of used a little description of the scene early on in the chapter. Might be just me, since I'm jumping into the middle after having been gone for ages.
Reply J.C. Mogensen
11:59 PM on July 11, 2013 
OK, I just posted three chapters and I am hard at work on the next. I'm shooting for an August release. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I'm a little worried about the latest getting too dark and losing some of the funny.
Morning, JC,
I had just a few minutes this am so I decided to check out Calvin's latest. And I did catch a few errors, so I'm listing them below:

Line I loved: 'but she was also exactly what a train wreck looks like right before the locomotive comes off the rails and crashes though a school house. '

This line: 'she seemed to be trying to will the lighter I had taken back into her hand from on top of the television.' This is awkward. The phrase 'I had taken back' (which obviously is the past now) combined with action that is present is just....confuzzling.

This line: "After all you put me through, breaking me heart, ruining my good cookware, leaving me wondering if you were dead or alive,' I believe you want 'breaking MY heart. An elementary typo, btw...(and lol)

Calvin and Flora getting a Yorkie! Now that's just plain funny!

Then this line: 'Kasey hit her on the back of the head with the hotplate that was buried under a hill of pizza boxes...' It's kind of the same thing as above. Adding the pizza boxes makes the sentence (and the action) clumsy. My brain is visualizing smashing Flora over the head, but then you make me go back and look under the pizza boxes.

I would have put a comma in this next line: '"We're all stocked up on deranged you wingnut,' Like this: 'deranged, you wingnut,' But then, I'm comma illiterate.

By the way, I have it on good authority that Satan would drive a Lamborghini.

Now the next paragraph....the one about heaven--
'Heaven can keep their golden harps and 72 virgins'...My thinking is that it would be more correct to say, 'Heaven can keep IT'S golden harps. Yes? Heaven is a place, not a person, at least in my mind.

'One of the Caddy's tried to follow'...You don't need the apostrophe in caddies.

The phrase '"El Lugar Agradable."... I had to stop and look this up. Your readers should not. (some of us took French in college, ya know!)

This line: ' "She ripped the cardboard TV in half and said she was gonna secure the perimeter. I think she's getting' better at not actin' out." Either delete the apostrophe after 'getting', or delete the final G.

Now Calvin and Kasey are on the bed: 'I was bracing for lecture peppered with swear words and jabs at my ...' Insert an 'a' before 'lecture.'

This line: 'All I had was my pants on and her clothes were a figment of her mind so there was a distinct lack of awkward fumbling. ' Suggest 'all I had on was my pants' instead of 'all I had was my pants on'

This line: 'It didn't last as long as I would have liked, but longer than I would have expected.' I'm not sure what the point is. Looks like a fancy way of saying nothing. What exactly is Calvin unhappy with and why does he seem to be rating their encounter? Could he not just be happy that they had one?

A little further down Gwen says this, "Or was it not sufficiently satisfactory?" Sufficiently satisfactory is redundant. And annoying. LOL.

This line: 'It would have been worth looking him up and trying to get in touch with one of the Gods who was still around to see if him and his had any intention of throwing their hats in the ring if this turned out to be anything.' Run-on. Suggest revising.

This line: 'The more I thought about, the more that plan filled up with holes. " Insert 'it' after 'about'

All in all, a great chapter! And the fact that I've reviewed it should tell you that I've just about finished my own chapter ten and you had better be hustling. Kris and I sometimes compete to see who can finish first. The prize for winning is usually a case of vodka. Pony up the story, or pay up the vodka! Your choice, brother.
Reply J.C. Mogensen
1:00 AM on January 20, 2013 
I'm working on earning two Associate's Degrees - 1 in Network Admin and 1 in Network Security. I've got about a year and a half left.

Of course, by then I should be up to my neck in fat stacks of cash from book sales, but it doesn't hurt to have a back-up plan.
Reply J.C. Mogensen
5:23 PM on January 19, 2013 
I was going to list all the things I've been doing (school, arguing on the internet, eating, making playlists) but, fine, you win Peazy. For the record, I HAVE been writing more than in a while, and I have tentatively committed myself to being done with my WIP by late spring/early summer. I think I've finally settled on a name too: Gringo and the Goddess. My wife HATES it, so I think it's a winner.

BTW, as far as I can tell, everything after the Prologue and Chapter 1 are locked down to nonmembers.
Listen, JC! This week I have done all my regular stuff (laundry, housekeeping, dishes, cooking, taxi-driving, feeding and care of three humans, five cats, three dogs, and two horses), plus cleaned the garage, off-loaded thirty some booths for the new restaurant, closed out the books for the restaurant, put together all the year-end figures for the restaurant's taxes and payroll, redesigned the new dining room to include the booths (we were going to use round tables), hosted poker night for six crazy engineers, handled fifteen different problems for the restaurant, including redesigning the carpentry project when a few hitches arrived, twenty emails back and forth to arrange uploading the audio files for Meany, Twenty more email conversations back and forth with the artist doing the cover for NW, plus wrote two chapters of Nathanial's Window! And that's just the shit I remember! (I also kept up with FB, Pinterest, ten different LInked-In writer's groups, approx. 125 emails every day, Songpop, Mahjong, Coasterville, and Solitaire, plus my own games on my computer!) I'm not even exaggerating. And I'm exhausted.

If I ever get some real time to write you are soooooooooooo going down!

Totally cool that your family loves books so much. Can't wait to hear what they think of WWSD and Asylum. Your coolness factor just went waaaaaaaay up, knowing ppl like Kris, Heather and Anthony!

Relax and take a break??? No freakin' way! Get to work, Mister!
Reply J.C. Mogensen
7:38 PM on January 18, 2013 
Dammit P., slow down! I think I might be getting a little ahead of myself so I'm gonna make Chapter 12 a stop-gap before the plot really gets going in 13. I also talked to a graphic designer today (who happens to be my mechanic - who knew?) and gave him my ideas for a cover. He's as excited as I am and I can't wait to see his rough draft.

In other news, WWSD came in the mail! My 13 yr old, ever the contrarian, tried to steal it from my desk while I wasn't looking. My wife is reading Asylum and she keeps waking me up with "oohs" and "aahs." She's reading that one at home because the residents might take offense to the title if she brought it to work :) She's already claimed Shield of Night as her next read and said that she'd probably just keep it for herself afterwards.

Along with Meany, which we've all read and loved, that makes four great books from four great people who can just relax and take a break for a while so I can catch up.