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Forum Home > Peazy's reviews > Reviewing Meany, chapter three

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Heather reviewing:

Meany Chapter 3

 

Not so much this time. i really like this chapter and how so many elements are being conceived in this part. I can see how you are weaving the story and it is awesome! Just a few thoughts, mostly questions...here we go!

 

1st or 2nd sentence - "Apparently (add comma) Charles Barnes..."

 

Next - in his retelling of the story Eddie says "for Christ's sake." He is saying this to a priest in what I imagine to be some part of a church. I was wondering if he kind of stutters and resurfaces for a moment to apologize to the priest. I feel like Eddie is a good guy and he wouldn't want to offend anyone. I also feel that at that moment it would draw out the suspense a little. Personally I would find it endearing and then race to read on....just an idea...

 

When Charles goes to wake up Ruthy there is a line that begins with "Straight-up" and for some reason that sits funny with me. Perhaps because it is recent slang and I am used to 60s slang in this story. I don't know if it sounds like a pov shift or what, it just sounded wrong here to me. It made me pause to try and figure it out, only this pause was one that slowed down the story instead of adding suspense. I am not sure what to suggest for this one!

 

On to the part with the school nurse...you tell us that she's nervous right?My question is, would she really give such a detailed, bold faced lie when questioned, or would she leave it at "It went well" and then shuffle off to look busy? I know if I were lying to someone I would try and get away as quickly as possible so i didn't say anything to give myself away.

 

When charles is with mrs. monroe - his interior monologue mentions a stupid golf game...while i agree that golf is pretty stupid, I can't for the life of me figure out why Charles says its stupid....doesn't he love the game...why is it stupid to him then...it seems he would want to play it to spite annette even more...i really didn't understand that part...could be just me not thinking straight...idk....

 

when you are sharing the hymn - in the 2nd and 3rd parts you can strike "he sang" and "the old man sang". Once you establish its a song and you write it in italics, we get that he is singing it...it is prettier (like a poem) without the speaking tags in there...

 

Finally - you say "He learned from the Tuscaroras" (referring to the dowser man). My only fear is that your reader doesn't innately know that this is Native American tribe. They are not as popular as the cherokees...those of us from CNY have to study them in school, but I don' t think everyone does. I would hate for your reader to think this was a proper noun relating to the neighbors or something. Is there a way to clarify that these are a group of native americans?

 

That's it, that's all I've got! You have given us another reason to hate Charles. you have shown us the compassionate side of Annette and explained why she puts up with this garbage. you have made the children adorable and our hearts are breaking for the older kids...you have really done an outstanding job at setting up the story for what is coming next. I like it! Keep up the good work!!!

 

Heather


March 4, 2011 at 1:44 PM Flag Quote & Reply

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Kris reviewing:

reviewing meany 3-

(btw, if these reviews seem disproportionately critical- they are. i'm reviewing in bits and pieces between patients, and am not wasting time by listing the stuff youre doing well. i figure you know very well that i think youre fabulous. Now that being said...)

 

during his years as the Southtown parish Priest- just parish priest is fine, you keep throwing southtown in there like its important.

 

crying which disturbed his eternal rest - it's the 'eternal rest', why does eddie talk like this? right after that eddie says 'for christ's sakes' it's like you're slipping between a writer's need to tell something poetically and eddie's actual voice. again eddie says: It was he who had built the small cemetery beneath the apple trees. say this out loud, say it in an elderly man's voice. eh? people tend to shorten things, not be elaborate and wordy. so, more like He built that small cemetery . or he was the one that built the little cemetery out there by the apple trees. again, look at: The letters on the hand-made headstones were roughly chiseled, as though he?d carved them himself. when speaking we dont usually use static description. we do not say handmade headstones or roughly chiseled. we say the headstones look hand-made, or the letters are kinda rough, like he chiseled them on there himself. i dunno. say it outloud. act out eddie's part. i have to do this constantly, to try to seperate my voice from a characters.

 

The dowser man was sitting in the rocking chair- i like this, i just like this whole paragraph.

 

that Charles brought her here to live on the farm.- strike 'here'


March 8, 2011 at 7:48 AM Flag Quote & Reply

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