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Walking with a Goddess


How Self Proclaimed Divinity is a Pain in the Ass




    I think it's only fair to put this into context for you fellas before we get started. The world wasn't created in seven days and plants sure as hell weren't around before the sun was made. Everything you think you know is a fairy tale that was made up to keep one group of nomads from beating the piss out of the next and has been passed down through Sunday Schools ever since without anyone ever stopping to consider whether or not all the animals in the world were actually within walking distance of a caveman with a giant boat.

    See, way back when, let's say a million-million years ago, the world was run by critters that were less than cuddly and VERY powerful. They were almost elements themselves, they were so singular in their strength. Nowadays you might call them demons, or even devils, but the truth is that they were neither. They were just really strong, magical…..well, mostly they were assholes. They bitched and fought over who was prettier...


    Anyway, eventually they grew tired of beating up on each other and got the great idea to create some minions. Now the minions, they WERE demons. Ugly, bloodthirsty, foul tempered things, but they belonged to which ever "God" had made them. The Gods, let's just call them the Elders, would fight their armies against each other for bragging rights, property, the remote, whatever. One group would win leaving the other to go lick their wounds and whip up a batch of even nastier demons, and then the whole shebang would start again. Everyone just had a grand ol' time for eons since the armies were disposable and the big shots never got their hands, or claws, or tentacles dirty. Even the demon horde had fun, in spite of the body count. See, they not only got a kick out of killing each other, they also spent a lot of their time getting bouncy on each other which turned a few dozen species of demons into thousands of different breeds. Kind of like dogs.  Until…

    "Your tale lacks focus."

    "Would you shut up?"

    Eventually a new animal crawled out of the muck. At first the Elders and demons paid them no never mind other than to snack on 'em from time to time. But these new creatures started to multiply real quick, I mean they bred like rabbits. But they weren't rabbits; can you take a wild stab at what they were?

    "They were men."

    "I wasn't asking you, I was asking them."

    They were men. Yessirie, the age of man had arrived and with it came a whole bucket of changes. You see, humanity is the only sentient creature that's actually born of this world, which makes them the rightful occupants. So when people started to show up, magic slowly began to make its way out of this reality. This meant that the very existence of humans caused the big bad uglies to lose power. They were still wicked strong, but they were closer to being mortal than they had ever been before. By the time they realized this, it was too late. Humans already had a firm grip on this world. Some of the Elders were smart enough to understand that their kind was slowly being evicted and decided that it was in their best interest to team up with humanity in the hopes that they could stick around as "guardians." There was war for centuries and even though it took ten men to kill a single demon, mankind won by sheer numbers. In the end, the Elders and most of their armies were tossed out. Some of the lower level demons got left behind and a few even shacked up with humans, which led to filthy half-breeds like vampires and lycans.

    "What happened to the Elders who helped the people?"

    "Excellent question generic biker number 3."

    The Elders that weren't complete asshats took on a guiding role for early civilizations. They became the Odins, Zeuses, Baals, and Quetzalcoatls of the world.  They weren't the omniscient and lovable forces for good that they would like us to believe, though. They're more like teenagers - selfish and prone to temper tantrums. They're petty and they hold a grudge for, like, ever. For instance…

    "That is an undeniable truth."

    "I love how you've made constantly interrupting me a permanent part of your arsenal of annoying habits."

    "You are being sarcastic now."

    "THAT is an undeniable truth."

    Long story short …

    "Too late."

    "Sweet baby Buddha! Would you zip your face shut? Please?"

    Long. Story. Short… The Elders that got booted out took up in other realities, dimensions, whatever. Some were even killed during all the fighting. One in particular ended up getting stripped of its physical manifestation. Its essence floated around the ether for a few millennia, eventually landing smack dab in the middle a truck stop waitress' body after she had been shot during a robbery. Why then and there, you ask? I don't know. But here she is, former god-king of pre-prehistoric Earth, I call her Gwen.

    "It is Gweonalo Vevtras-Hyfrothna."

    "Do you think honestly these jerk-offs can pronounce that? Boys and girls, Gwen. You probably remember her as Kasey, the-girl-with-only-a-Jackson-in-the-register-so-we-popped-her, Mitchell. Gwen, I'm gonna burn one while you beat them to death with their Harley's. Also, if no one minds, I'm gonna serenade this little tussle with the musical styling's of the great Lionel Ritchie and The Commodores."

    "She's a brick. House. She's Mighty-Mighty. Oh, she's a brick. Ouch, that one's gonna heal funny. House. Lettin' it all hang out. Yeah, she's a... Done already? That was fast."